elegant disarrray

Eeek.

2011-12-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

I paid $150 to try the Metabolic Research Center diet system. I paid for 6 weeks I think. I'm curious to see how it pans out.

I've spent a few hours researching other people's results. Basically 1/3 of people absolutely love it and couldn't say enough good things and 2/3 of people say it's a scam and a rip off.

I am going to give it a shot. I mean I paid $150 dollars for it, I might as well make the most of it.

Fuck me.

2011-11-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

Not sexually.

I'm pissed off. About a lot of things.

I hate the society I live in. I hate that the advancement of people is based on looks first. Sure, qualifications are in there somewhere, but mostly looks.

This weekend I helped Fran with a rummage sale for St. Jude. She's trying to raise a bunch of money. We had tons of extra clothes so we decide to take them to Plato's Closet. The ladies that helped us with horrible. We had perfectly good American Eagle stuff and they didn't take even 1/8 of it. I really feel it is because of the way Fran and I look. Ok we're not fucking fashionistas and we aren't a size 4. Okay what the fuck ever. If Arlene would have brought that shit in looking like a supermodel, bitch would have sold twice as much (or more) than we did.

So now I feel all fucking bad about myself because I'm fucking plus sized. Because I can't fit in this shit. Because I'm a fucking fat ass and I can't fucking sell shit and I'm fucking worthless.

Even though I'm fucking smart. Really fucking smart. I have an awesome personality yet I'm not worth shit because I'm a fucking fat fucker.

So fuck that. Just fuck that.

OH

2011-10-24T22:37:00.001-07:00

And one of my "poor single us boo hoo" girlfriends got engaged over the weekend.

AWESOME.

well, geez

2011-10-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Things have felt awkward with a friend for awhile. Basically since she joined a sorority several years ago. I suddenly felt on a different level than her. She became a pretty person- worried about appearances and who's-who. I was the same frumpy me.

Things got extra awkward around the time we both graduated college. I never could explain it into words out loud. I felt on a different plane than her. Not important to her as her pretty friends. I am the same frumpy me.

I moved in with her a couple of months ago because she had an extra room in her rent house and I needed a place with cheaper rent. I thought maybe the proximity would make a difference but I feel farther away from her than ever. I've regretted my decision to move in what seems like weekly. Not because we don't get along in a living arrangement but because I realize that my expectations of our friendship are not going to be met. I doubt we'll ever manage to have the friendship we did before.

I'll stay the same frumpy me. She'll keep getting prettier.

I used to be the luckiest

2011-10-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

My ex boyfriend never escapes my mind and it pisses me off. Not his memory so much as how society expects me to move on and pretend I don't think about him. If my mom died I'd be allowed to remember her and grieve her. I loved him. I truly did. Why am I not allowed to mourn anymore?

I think it would be different if I was seeing someone else. Maybe that's why he still haunts me. I just can't help but wonder if he was my only chance. 3 years since the break up past in June. A year and a half since I've even really known him.

It's not like I don't meet guys. I do. I just can't seem to find someone worth my time. I don't want to invest as much time as I did with the ex with another person then get my heart broken- my life destroyed all over again.

I wonder- when people have their house burn down- an unexpected and horrible loss they must go through- do they still think sadly about the old house and belongings? Or are they expected to never mention it again?

I haven't brought him up out loud in a really long time. I find that the stress of this is even harder on me because I have to keep everything in my head. That's a big part of why I wanted to start a blog. I don't have someone to tell a lot of my woes to because the people I am the closest to are at different places in their lives. None of my best friends are single. They are in long-term relationships. I am alone struggling this.

I wonder if they realize what it's like being 25 and single. Worse- being 25 and single since I was 22.

I get so sad. So jealous.

Most of the time their relationship statuses don't bother me. I see their fights or their disagreements or whatever annoying thing they have to go through and I am so glad I don't face it. I am glad I get to do what I want when I want. I don't have to worry about another person.

But then I think about this- I'm 25 and it's Saturday night. I'm alone, feeling sorry for myself, listening to Dashboard Confessional (and other melancholy songs), typing this to no one but myself.

I should be with a loved one. A boyfriend, a husband, our children.

I should have started my life by now.

I really don't mind being single. I don't think it says anything negative about me. If I lived in a larger metropolitan area it wouldn't be a big deal at all.

What I hate is my self talk. I tell myself I won't find someone. I'm not worth love. Sometimes I can talk myself out of these thoughts but most of the time I really believe it. I am not going to find someone else. He was the only person who would put up with me.

What if it's really the truth?

I keep telling myself that I'm going to lose weight but I sabotage it daily. Who wants a fat person?

How am I going to find someone as morally liberal as I am when I live in such a conservative part of the country?

I am awkward and I make bad jokes.

I don't even have that many friends. Why would I get a boyfriend.

Who will I find if all I do is work and go to school- and I'm in a career that is mostly women?

Fuck.

I really want to cry right now but I can't bring myself to it. I use to be able to cry when I needed- to get my emotions out. Now I shove them further and further back.

Ok- Maybe?

2011-10-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am brilliant at starting big goals. Not so brilliant at finishing them.

I'm not going to advertise this- I'm not going to post more about myself than my first name.

I'll bitch about work, friends, grad school, dieting.

Maybe I'll get somewhere.

As for tonight I'm sleepy as shit and need to go to bed.

Test 123

2011-10-16T20:52:00.001-07:00

Practice post to edit style settings.